The Horse Goes
or I Go!

Richard I Jontry, Ph.D., MAC, CAC Diplomate
This article first appeared in Stableviews

The wife adores horses and wants to own one/live somewhere to have one, while her husband has no interest in the beasts, thinks she's a raving lunatic or at least must be suicidal for putting herself in such a dangerous situation. If she wants to do this she has to do it on her own cause “I'll be damned if I'll cooperate!” “Get a job if you want it so bad,” he says as he stands firm on not wanting to contribute to this insane idea financially or emotionally.

Or, maybe the husband is the horse lover and his ideal vacation is taking the horses on a pack trip in Colorado for a week – the rougher the terrain the better, while the wife prefers Caribbean cruises or Broadway shows in New York while staying in a nice hotel.

We probably all know of some families whose children develop an interest in riding, but the parents either don't support the child's endeavors to learn more about riding or they disagree with one another about encouraging participation in that particular sport.

Horse ownership can be a financial burden for some people, an emotional challenge that may raise all kinds of issues (including partner jealousy) for others, and place an enormous strain on the family, or the couple.

The tools needed to successfully resolve conflicts of this nature are basically no different than the tools we need when we encounter other types of difficulties or challenges in relating to those we love. They include:

• The ability to be honest with ourselves

• The willingness to consider the possibility that our perspective is not necessarily the “right” one, or the appropriate one

• The willingness and the ability to really listen to our partner's (the rider or the non-rider) thoughts and feelings openly and non-judgmentally

• The desire and ability to say things to each other in ways most likely to be heard. (i.e., It is hard for me to listen attentively to someone, or to be invested in hearing what he or she is saying, when they are yelling, accusing, being critical or judgmental, demeaning)

• In the words of Thich Nhat Hahn, “to be willing to water love seeds

instead of anger seeds.”

Imagine that every time you interact with those you love you can choose to water, or not water, the seeds that have been planted in your relationship or in your family. Through your words and actions you can plant or water love seeds, anger seeds, misunderstanding and resentment seeds, encouragement seeds, understanding seeds, support seeds, and so on. These are the seeds of relationship. Those seeds you water and nourish will grow. Those seeds you do not water will not grow.

These strategies will work if you are committed to using them. If you love and honor the person(s) you are with, I invite you to consider committing to using them. You will be able to get through to the other side of conflicts and disagreements when you really listen with a commitment to understand each other's point of view. Understand doesn't mean you'll necessarily agree. It does mean you'll know each other a little better, and maybe appreciate each other's needs more.

Another useful technique in this regard is to ask each other to rate how important what they want is on a 10-point scale. Let's say the person who is invested in riding gives a 10 to how awful she'll feel if forced to give it up, while he gives a 5 to how awful he'll feel if she continues to ride. The awareness of this difference can become a wonderful point for negotiation and compromise – and all successful relationships involve compromise at times.

Negotiation and compromise on this point could involve her agreeing with one of the things really important to him that she has not been supporting.

This same strategy is useful in discussing finances involving the riding when they become an issue. Setting up a budget, as unpleasant as that may be to you, may be necessary in order to incorporate the riding into an otherwise tight financial situation. The rider's obligation here is to be willing to make some cut backs in other areas of their spending. The rider might agree to brown bagging lunch instead of buying it; cutting back, or eliminating clothing or some other purchasing, etc.

Here's the bottom line. If you truly love the person who rides you will begin to listen to how important riding is to them. Once you realize how important it is you will agree to support their riding activities – at least emotionally.

And for the rider, if you truly love the person who is having difficulty with your riding you will truly listen to how upset they are. You will begin to understand how important their needs are. And you will both move off your stuck points a little bit at a time.

Whether adult or child, we are all capable of listening more fully, understanding more deeply, supporting those we love more whole heartily, and looking at our beliefs when they are causing stress for ourselves or the person we love. Maybe this particular belief, just maybe, does not serve any useful purpose anymore. Maybe it was my father's or my mother's belief and I just took it with me when I left home and got married. Maybe it never really belonged to me

If you are unwilling to utilize these strategies, or if you are unable to reach a new place of understanding and agreement in utilizing them, it is probably time to seek some professional support.

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