On Grief, Grieving,
and Deciding Richard I Jontry, Ph.D.,
MAC, CAC Diplomate |
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It is hard to have patience with people who say “There is no death” or “Death doesn't matter.” There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter. [1] No one's death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul and become richer in their humaneness. [2] I think Liz Folk's article touches on some important points regarding the grieving process. Although many may believe the loss of a horse is more poignant than with other companion animals, I have found that comparisons are basically meaningless. Our attachments and feeling of love are all special in their own unique ways. Our grief is a deeply personal experience. It is always painful. It is uncontrollable–meaning we can't predict when we will feel the pain, what will trigger it, how long it will last, or when it will end. It is important to allow oneself to feel the pain and anguish of grief. If we try to avoid it, or pretend we're OK, the pain doesn't go away. It lurks somewhere in the background and may show up in unpredictable and sometimes destructive ways. The best way through the grief process is to give yourself permission to grieve and to talk about your feelings with understanding and sympathetic listeners. To go through the grief process means that after a period of “undefined time” you get back to living a relatively normal life–whatever that means. However, do not be surprised if normal is changed. I believe that when you have spent several years of your life (or more) in relationship to an animal that to you is wonderful, has a personality you wish your best friend had (indeed, for many their horse is their best friend); forgives you, anticipates your every move once they know you; laughs at you and with you; and hates it when you even consider looking at another horse–unless of course it happens to be their friend also– then normal will never quite be the same. Your relationship with that special horse has changed you. That's probably, in part, why you chose each other in the first place (if you don't believe that one you're in trouble). This horse showed up in your life because there was something for you to learn about relating, about riding, about sportsmanship, about yourself, and about love. If this relationship served its purpose you will never be the same. For love, as Marie Louise VanFranz once said ... “both tortures and purifies the soul.” The look and feel and smell of normal for you will be altered after that experience. One day, hopefully, but not necessarily, many years into your relationship with this magnificent creature, you may be faced with the decision of whether or not it is your responsibility to put him or her out of their misery and “put your horse down.” You know it's the right thing to do and you can't bring yourself to do it. This will probably be one of the most difficult decisions you will have to make as an equestrian. Life or death is a heavy question–no matter what the circumstances. We all hope for a miraculous recovery or a cure tomorrow. We also lament about what we could have done, should have done, and didn't do. This is a time we can be really hard on ourselves. Review your self-condemnations, if that be the case, with a really supportive friend. You won't believe them when they tell you that you did all you could–no matter how they say it. There may be some lessons here for you, but you're not ready to learn them yet. Sometimes it helps to know that guilt is a natural feeling to have at this time. Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. [3] Sometimes it also helps to remember that by purchasing your horse you became responsible for their wellbeing and for making decisions about their life and about their death. To “train” an animal means to replace some of their natural decision making options with your decisions for them and about them. In their natural state many animals accelerate their dying process when they know it is close at hand. Once we have domesticated and trained an animal we take much of that ability away from them. It becomes our responsibility to make those decisions. I will not presume to tell you what to decide. I will, however, tell you the decision is your responsibility. Make it wisely based upon your values, and the condition of your horse. Ask for expert medical and spiritual guidance. This is not a decision to take lightly, or to take on yourself–even though in the final analysis the decision is yours alone to make. And, as strange as this one might seem, ask your horse. If you have had the kind of relationship with your four legged friend that some people I know have had, then conversations are not unfamiliar. And heart to heart /soul to soul communication has probably occurred before. Once you've done all of that, and you are still having trouble deciding, you might ask yourself “who am I really sparing by putting off this decision?” Whether your horse dies a natural death, or you facilitate her ending with appropriate medications–give yourself permission to fully grieve. Celebrate her life and mourn her death. Do these things deeply and energetically. Your horse filled space with big energy and so will your grief. Don't worry about over doing it, or carrying on for too long. If you do, people who don't love you may tell you. Ignore them. People who love you will tell you also. Listen when they do. It is probably time to move into, go back to, or move further into the resolution stage of grief. When you go on with your life give yourself permission to carry your old friend's energy with you. They gave you a gift with their presence and their friendship in your life. Honor their presence and their spirit by living your life as they taught you life can be lived. Loving, compassionately, exuberantly, committely, and spiritually. And finally, do something to honor their presence in your life. You might consider writing a eulogy and submitting it to a favorite publication of yours–like Stableviews. Place a plaque in your barn. Enlarge and frame a favorite picture. Name a baby after her. Those are just a few of the many ways you can honor her presence. When you find yourself comparing other horses to her; remembering her nostalgically at horse shows, or feeling tempted to talk about her all the time–be aware that these are normal reactions and will subside as time passes. There are no set rules or time tables for grieving. However, if you find yourself unable to function, or people close to you tell you they are really worried about you, I invite you to consider the fact that you might be “stuck” in the grieving process and may need some professional help to move through it successfully. The resources listed below may also be of help. They can be found on the www. Each gives a fairly comprehensive account of the grieving process and resources for those who grieve. Grief Web-Ring: Links to similar sites around the world. Footnotes1 C. S. Lewis 2Hermann Broch [3] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations is licensed from Columbia University Press. 1995 by Columbia University Press.
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